The day you left was the day my heart wanted to stop beating but I had to stay here and keep your memory alive, one day I'll see you again I know, but still I miss you so much. Without you here is tearing me apart inside! I want you back because you were not ready to go and moreover I wasn't ready to let you go.
All I am left to do is, wonder why only God gets to keep the best. People think that is hard to see the most loved person in your life die but the hardest part is getting over it and moving on. When all of the sudden you realize your loved one is not around anymore, that moment… is worse than the moment when you hear the news of their death.
Sometimes you're not afraid of letting go, you're just afraid of accepting the fact it's gone. 31st July 2011, is marked as black day in our life Lala (Mir Balach). I can never forget this day as I tried everything I could do to save you, not only me but my entire family or we can say everyone who knew you tried their best but your fate had decided something else for you.
A year back, you got admission in Imperial College London and you made us all so proud. I could see the shine of success in your angelic eyes and heavenly smile. I still remember your words, “Shireen did you see Daddy was so proud of me.”
We all left for airport to see you off and before leaving you hugged me tight and said please take care of my Juni Jan (Mir Jeeyund aka Juni is my nephew who was born after 10 years of long prayer and he meant life to my brother) I smiled and said, “You take care of my Lala Jan and I will take care of your Juni Jan.” Who knew he was leaving this responsibility for me for lifetime.
As soon as he reached there he started to get depressed and we all thought that it was home-sickness but we were wrong, it was the cancer which was killing him inside. He went there and did few test alas we are still unknown of this fact that what were the result of those tests.
Soon he took a semester off and came back to Pakistan for the birth of his angel, Xyamil. She was born on my brother’s birthday and he was so glad that they both will celebrate it together but he left her all alone when she was only 6 months old. When she started to say Baba, her Baba left her for good.
On April 9th my youngest brother Murad called up and cried, “Send Ammi and Daddy to Karachi as soon as possible,” my other brother Behram asked why and the answered left him numbed. I couldn’t believe what I heard and I started crying, praying that “Ya Allah please no this not truth. My lala can not suffer from this, he just started to live his life.” Me, Murad and Behram were the very first one among the siblings who got know this bad news. Still till date we don’t say the C word for him, we just can’t. If someone ask us what happened to him we are all numbed.
He was a strong man, he never made our mom realize that he is in pain. Even when he was in ICU, when Ammi went to him, he smiled and said I am good. All that was in his mind was this that Ammi and Daddy should not be worried cause of him.
22 May is my birthday and I was in Quetta. I called Ammi and said that this would be my first birthday when you people won’t be with me. But Lala loved me so much that even in this condition, when he was under treatment he came to Quetta for my birthday. While celebrating my birthday he was on bed and was trying his best to clap and sing for me but he couldn’t as his right side would getting paralyzed due to uncountable tumours on his brains but we all were unknown of this fact.
Anyone who would come to see him couldn’t stay near him for 2 minutes as no one have seen this Prince of Mir family in this condition. They all would leave the room with sobs.
His condition was getting worse day by day. His right side stopped functioning properly. Though we had 3 doctors at home still we never thought that the evil tumours have reached his brains or maybe we did but couldn’t associate it with him…
Soon we were in hospital and the doctor suggested for an open brain surgery with 20% chance of survival. We went for it. The operation last for 8 hours and this was the very first time when I was scared of losing him. My faith was getting weak with every minute that passed by. But the moment I saw him back to life, my faith got stronger and I started to believe that now I won’t lose him ever.
Unfortunately the doctors couldn’t diagnose that what was the sarcoma of cancer, his all organs were functioning perfectly alright. It was such a harsh time for us that with his every test we would literally pray to God that please the reports are not clear so we know the sarcoma of his cancer.
Friday 29th July, 2011 I was watching TV in my dad’s room around noon when suddenly my phone rang and all I could hear was screams and crying, I turned blue for a while and shouted can someone tell me what happened please. My eldest sister cried out loudly, “Shireen please go to mosque, go open the Holy Quran, do anything you can but save Lala. The doctor just called daddy and said he is not well.”
I went running to my room, my hands and feet were cold and I was shivering, I opened the Holy Quran and started to recite it loudly with my trembling voice. I tried my best to finish some verse but my voice was not helping me. I closed it and hugged it tight. I looked up and said, “Allah please take me instead as, I have nothing to lose here but he has his family….”
But Allah knows better what He has to do. It was that day of my father’s life when he was asked to sign on consent forms, that the hospital will not put Lala on ventilators when his natural breathing will stop. When I got this news it was the very first time in my life when I thought my dad took a wrong decision but now I know, he did the right thing as lala would have been in more pain and he never wished for such life.
Sunday 31st, July 2011 we started our day normally, I was really happy as I was about to finish my wazifa which I started on Friday for lala’s health and was sure that this will make him better. But somewhere I was feeling as if something is missing within me which was making me shallow but I kept ignoring this fact. It was around 7:30 pm, when my brother Behram came to us and said, “I am telling you something but please don’t panic as its Allah’s will and we can fight with Him” as soon as I heard these I knew the news has arrived I stood up and said no, no and he said, “Yes, Lala has left us for good.” The world seemed to stopped, everything turned black and I skipped a heartbeat but before I could react my other sister Simeen fainted and then I had to be strong for her as she was already a patient of AVM (Arteriovenous Malformation).
Then the rest is all about pain and unlimited pain which we all are going through. His last moment could not be reflected better then what Sadaat (my brother) did, who was with him when he was leaving for his eternal journey:
”Lala is such an angel that even the devil would love to die for him. I have walked with that angel on the streets of London and since I got back here nostalgia has clogged my life. A year ago we both landed here, I could see a promise in his eyes and a sense of accomplishment on his face. He was about to embarked on a journey he always dreamt off. I said to him Lala you make us proud by going into of the elites institution of world, he replied there is more to come.
Now I was looking at him lying on the bed with a lifeless body but a set of eyes full of life. “Sony I am missing London I want to go there and party like we use to do, “ I replied dun worry Lala we will go and I hugged him so that he should not see the tears in my eyes and I felt his heartbeat singing these lines.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
Far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Well, every moment spent with you
Is a moment I treasure.”
He loved Asya (his wife) endlessly and the feeling was mutual. She knew he was departing but she never let him assume the feeling. He never let go off her until she gave him the consent on the faithful day. She came to me and said go to your brother he is not good and I knew the moment has came which I was rebuffing since morning by sleeping when the doctor declared it’s the end of road for him. I rushed to the room with dad and Murad, everyone knew the time has arrived but still we were all hoping for a miracle. But miracles only happen in films and books.
We entered the room doctors and nurses desperately trying to save him surrounded the bed. Murad and dad left the room, as it is hard for anyone to see the loved one dying. I held his hand and start calling his name he opened his eyes half shut and there was no trace of life in them but a sea of unfilled desired. My soul ached to death on my helplessness and tears started oozing out he again opened his eyes and command me not cry, as he hated crying. I held his hand tighter and tried if we could transact souls but he was not ready for the trade.
I kept on smiling for him till he took his last breath. As dad entered the room Lala looked at him and left us void. He didn’t swapped the souls but just before dying reassigned all his unfilled desired to me and asked me to realize them. He is angel and angels belong to heavens that why he left us to go to his real home. He died when he was still living having a smile on his face and love in his heart.”
